When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
