yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
