I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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