I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
