Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
