3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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