I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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