Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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