remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
