My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
