oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
