I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
