yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
