life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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