Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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