I cannot find my penis.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
