there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
