it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
