Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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