I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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