So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
