totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
