I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
