How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
