Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
