I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
