Moan for me like Helen Keller
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize