Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
