i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
