my phone needs a breathalizer
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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