Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
