I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
