Apparently you make a good broom.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
