I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
