As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize