I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
