uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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