Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
