Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
