why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
