Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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