You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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