I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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