Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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