I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
