Only a mothe r could love this liver
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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