i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
