I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
