I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
