remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
