Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
