I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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