My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
