i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
