if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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