Betty ford says i'm here all night
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
it glows. i had to have it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize