There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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