she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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