We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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